Tempus Fuck-It

 don't you ever get that feeling that everything has been done already? and that everything from now on will be just a repeat in some shape r another of what has already been done? that it is impossible to do something new? thats how i feel everyday. its boredom, like a worm eating at the core of my being. the same rooms, the same kitchen. im so tired and bored of it all. when i do something, i dont just see myself doing that thing, but i see an endless chain of reflections of pseudo deja vus repeating off into the distance, like a mirror in a mirror. im sick of it, this endless repeating chain, i mean what can i do. i can position the chair in a different part of the room, so i face another wall. that doesn't make the slightest difference, the chain still follows me over there. this doesn't just apply to my mindeye, but also to what i hear, i can hear yesterdays thoughts repeating, they are all the same, there is nothing new to them.  everything is coated with a thin film of grease, obscuring it somehow. how else can i describe it. the banality of it all. its somehow like buddhism gone wrong. i mean, its all there, the peace and quiet, the tranquility, nothing but the chirp of insects in the garden, and the occasional raindrops pattering on the ground, its all there, i should be able to engage now, to engage in some mindfulness, to think deeply about a subject, to cough up some joy, but in the end its just this damn sequence of thoughts. to repeat again what its like, but with a simpler analogy: its like you are directing your own life, the theatre of your life, and you are watching yourself act from above, from about three feet above your head, with a kind of birds eye view, and you see the whole scene play out over and over again. he stands up, he slips on his sandals, he saunters off to the kitchen, he opens the fridge door, he takes out a bottle of water, he pours a glass, he drinks the glass, he goes to the living room, he walks about, he sits down. then he stares at the clock, and waits for time to pass. its all the same. how many possible configurations are there for me to walk, sit, and stand in this place? i've done them all already, thousands of times, and i see this birds eye view every time i repeat the same pathway out of all possible pathways. accompanied by the same thought, i have been here already, i have done this already. now isnt that some kind of sick "in the now"? i mean what is that? is that buddhism? because what is the other option? the other option is to be so deeply absorbed by whatever im reading or watching on my screen, that my mind does not perceive what im doing, yes, to be as far from the now as possible. is this any better? no, its worse. because that flow isn't zen either. it is just mindless chatter in the head, its just filling it up with noise, temporary absorption in some aspect. between these two options i dont have much choice. i could go to sleep. thats often the case, after sitting and staring into space for long enough i just lie back and close my eyes. of course things get worse when i wake up, usually gripped by fear, that my life is going to waste, and that another day has passed without anything productive, the usual feeling of uselessness mingled with guilt. time slipping away. tempus fugit. carpe diem. all that.

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